Sat, Jul 03, 2010 page19

• 2010 FIFA WORLD CUP: JOHNNY FOREIGNER'S WORLD CUP ODYSSEY: Dark matter, genes and a healthy dose of psychiatry

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  This week, Johnny is demanding answers.

  Why are the England team so useless and why is it referees can fail to see something that everyone else in a stadium can?

  How did Uruguayan official Jorge Larrionda and his assistant, Mauricio Espinosa, not spot that Frank Lampard’s shot had bounced more than a meter over the line. Then, later that same day, Italian whistleblower Roberto Rosetti allowed Carlos Tevez’s opening goal against Mexico to stand even though you could have parked a tank between the Argentine striker and the nearest defender.

  What gives?

  Still depressed following England’s dismal exit and in need of inspiration, Johnny turned to other members of the Foreigner clan in an attempt to find the truth.

  First, I spoke with Jimmy Foreigner, the brains of the family and the apple of his mother’s eye. Young Jimmy is currently holed up about 150m beneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland. You see, us Foreigners aren’t all alcohol-soaked hacks and English teachers, oh no, Jimmy is a particle physicist working on the Large Hadron Collider, trying to create black holes, or some such thing. Surely this brain-box must have some theories.

  So young Jimmy, how is that England are so bad at footie?

  “Erm, don’t now about that, Johnny.”

  OK, what about referees then. How come they can’t see what is blatantly staring them in the face?

  “I’ve got a theory about that, but you need to imagine the universe just after the Big Bang. It wasn’t like it is now, you know.”

  So, what was it like?

  “It was more like the 1970s.”

  I’ve got a feeling I’m going to regret this, but go on.

  “Well, the Standard Model shows that about 23 percent of the universe consists of dark matter, but nobody knows what it is or has explained it. I reckon just after the big bang, dark matter fell through a wormhole...”

  A wormhole, Jimmy?

  “Yes, fundamentally a short-cut through spacetime.”

  Right.

  “Yes, dark matter fell through a wormhole and it is now out of sync with the rest of the universe, just by about a billionth of a second. I reckon referees have been wearing black uniforms for so long they’ve also moved out of sync with the rest of the universe, which would explain why they can miss incidents that are plainly obvious to the rest of us, you see.”

  Well no, and anyway referees don’t wear black … oh never mind, thanks Jimmy.

  Well, the only thing Johnny’s convinced about after that chat with Jimmy is spending six months 150m underground firing particles at each other day after day drives you madder than a box of frogs.

  So I turned to Jenny Foreigner, a research scientist on the Human Genome Project, for some clues.

  Jenny, why are the England team so inept?

  “It’s in the genes Johnny.”

  Really, how so?

  “We’ve identified the gene RAFA, or Reaction Against Footballing Ability, that seems to determine whether you believe you are any good or not. It seems those with this allele, which is the type of gene, may be good at footie, but they don’t believe they are, so they fail to play to their ability.”

  What about 1966 then?

  “Well the RAFA seems to have originated from the Vikings, so it became more common first in Scotland, then spread south through Europe. That’s why Scotland used to qualify for the World Cup and get knocked out at the group stage every time and now they don’t qualify at all. France are suffering the same problem as England.”

  Hang on, though, Jenny, the Swedes and Danes often punch above their weight at World Cups and it doesn’t seem to have affected the Germans?

  “That’s because RAFA is the recessive allele. The dominant allele is what we call the ATSAM, Aptitude To Sport A Mullet. The more likely a person is to grow a mullet hairstyle, the less likely they are affected by the RAFA gene, you see.”

  Johnny’s beginning to think this science stuff is a load of old tosh. Maybe the world of finance will give us some answers. Step up Jake Foreigner-Farquhar, City of London banker.

  “Don’t know why they’re such a bunch of oiks, Johnny ol’chap, but it’s bloody lucky they are or the country would be in an even bigger bally mess.”

  What, an even bigger one than you lot created?

  “Well, yes. Be a bally disaster if the soccer team were any good, I’ll tell you. What do you think it is that most English people do for a job these days, Johnny, eh?”

  Well, England doesn’t manufacture anything anymore. The service sector?

  “All run by call centers in India, ol’chap. No, I’ll tell you, 10 percent work in reality TV, 2 percent are in professional sports, 3 percent are media celebrities and 80 percent are stand-up comedians. The other 5 percent do the other stuff, but mainly they’re the audience on hundreds of panel shows featuring stand-up comedians. Haven’t you noticed there’s an endless supply of stand-ups, but its the same bally audience each week?”

  Well, no, actually.

  “Think of the economic collapse a World Cup win would bring. People would be happy and they wouldn’t need comedians anymore. It’d be a bally disaster.”

  Well, there’s a reason to thank our lucky stars for the RAFA gene, I suppose, but what about the refs? I’m not buying the dark matter theory. Maybe Jilly Foreigner, psychiatrist, has the answer.

  Any ideas on referees, Jilly? (Oh, and by the way, you may want to have a little chat with Jimmy.)

  “Think back to when you were at school, Johnny. Do you remember there was a kid that nobody really noticed. Didn’t have any friends, didn’t bother anyone, just sat anonymously in class, almost unnoticed.”

  Now you mention it, yeah, there was one kid. Can’t for the life of me remember his name. Strange. Never joined in, but nobody bothered with him. Can’t remember him having any friends. Why is this relevant?

  “Likelihood now is that he’s either a referee or a politician. Late-onset megalomania we call it. People who spend their whole adolescence being ignored often later in life decide to get their own back on society, to make sure they become seen, become important. So they either become a politician or a referee.”

  I see, but how does this explain bad decisions and referees failing to see the obvious?

  “It explains a lot of things. Politicians and referees. You see, they don’t care about making the right or wrong decision, all they care about it is being important enough to be able to make a decision. You care about the outcome of the match, the laws of the game. The referee doesn’t, he just cares about being seen and being in charge. No longer anonymous.”

  There you have it, makes sense to me.

  So during this World Cup, the next time a referee makes a howler in an important match, rather than ranting and cursing in front of your TV, take a few moments to think back and try and remember the name of the anonymous kid at school, sitting in the corner, almost invisible to the rest of the world.

  Turns out, when it comes to refereeing cock-ups, we’re all to blame.
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