So we’ve started talks on unification with the Chicoms. Economic unification talks, that is.
Twenty years from now, those of us Taiwanese who haven’t succumbed to swine flu, melamine poisoning or a degenerative brain-wasting virus picked up long ago in the Combat Zone may look back on this week as the beginning of the end.
It’s enough to make one contemplate self-immolation. But then — who would feed my dear mutt Punkspleen?
Taipei and Beijing have agreed to speed up negotiations for a trade and investment deal. They also agreed on a name for the pact — two names actually (did we taxpayers get our money’s worth or what?).
In English it’s still known as the “economic cooperation framework agreement” (ECFA).
In Chinese, it’s now the “cross-strait economic cooperation framework agreement.”
In Neihu-ese, I call it the “economic Jesus-are-we-fucked-or-what? agreement.”
Towel sellers and ceramic tile peddlers, beware: Your jobs now have the approximate shelf life of a carton of Uni-President milk in July.
But good news, Formosa Petrochemical and auto parts makers! You’ll be raking in more profits to distribute to your already filthy-rich shareholders or to reinvest in toxic waste-spewing plants near our treasured wetlands.
Approximate chance that your average Taiwanese laobaixing (老百姓) will see tangible benefits from the ECFA: 0.0003%.
Approximate chance that Formosa Petrochemical’s campaign donations to President Marky Mark Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) and the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) will rise sharply after ECFA: 95%.
The news about the ECFA talks got some unsurprising complaints from the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) opposition, especially over one Mainland Affairs Council official’s description of China and Taiwan as two “areas.” My favorite English translation: “Naming Taiwan an area is self-castration, says DPP,” screamed the Taiwan News.
If that’s self-castration, what’s the DPP gonna call it when Taiwan actually signs the ECFA? National auto-erotic asphyxiation?
Not sure what they’re plopping in the tea over there at the Taiwan News, but they also ran an opinion piece, apparently translated from the Neihu News Network, with the title (seriously): “It’s you, Ma, stupid: Liberty Times.”
The anti-Ma opus included the following: “For deep-blue political commentators, they can deify anyone with recognition for their appeals, but also, the most strikingly, defame those at loggerheads with them at any costs.”
Kudos for using the cool-sounding “loggerheads,” but is that English? I mean I know it’s expensive for Taiwan News to hire big-nose copy editors, what with their constant demands for luxuries such as food, shelter and a living wage, but I can run Chinese-language editorials through “Google Translate” myself, thanks very much.
In other breaking news, the Central News Agency (CNA) interrupted its usual programming to announce this gem: “Hard to say when next cross-strait trade talks will be held: SEF.”
It actually took CNA three — count ’em, three — employees to craft that chiseled piece of journalistic magic.
With lines like the following, CNA is surely on track to enter the storied halls of political journalism fame: “As both sides need to calculate relevant statistics before further discussing figures or ratios within the trade pact, it is very difficult to say when the next meeting will be held, [Straits Exchange Foundation Vice Chairman] Kao [Koong-lian, 高孔廉] pointed out upon his return from Beijing at the Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport.”
In other news, for those of you wondering if there’s life after featuring in a mediocre Taiwanese hip-hop act, take heart at the exploits of Kenneth Chou (周逸銘), an “American-born Taiwanese” and former member of Machi.
The has-been heartthrob was recently ordered to pay US$400,000 to Kaplan education and was expelled from medical school in the US for copying Kaplan test-prep lecture DVDs and reselling them online. (As my hip-hop loving neighborhood waiguoren would say, “Yo dog, you stupid.”)
“Chou was not an ordinary computer hack, but rather an ambitious medical student,” a spokesman for the Software and Information Industry Association, with the unlikely name of Keith Kupferschmid, said in a statement. “He mistakenly thought he could pursue his dream of being a doctor while running a sophisticated counterfeiting operation.”
Er … it’s called “multi-tasking.”
“After being kicked out of medical school and then convicted in this case, Chou finds that his dream is gone, his reputation ruined and he owes hundreds of thousands of dollars — far more than he ever profited,” the statement said.
Let that be a lesson to you, hip-hopper wannabes — crime doesn’t pay, so stick with the mediocre tunes, flaccid rhyming and derivative dance moves.
Chou wasn’t the only one caught with his hand in the cookie jar this week. Turns out former Guatemalan president Alfonso Portillo, now under arrest and facing extradition to the US on money-laundering charges, is also being eyed by the authorities for alleged receipt of a fat check from none other than our dearly beloved Republic of China (ROC) government.
Guatemalan rag La Hora ran an editorial dripping with contempt for Portillo and Taiwan, as evidenced by the not-so-subtle title, “Para mandarios al Diablo” (Send them to the devil).
OK, so that’s a bit emotional for an editorial — and wasn’t that the name of a Black Sabbath album?
Basically, La Hora says Taiwan bribed Portillo to maintain recognition of the ROC. Here comes the indignation: “When the Taiwanese Government learned of the existence of the money, they came up with a lame explanation that it was money for charity, for education programs.”
Yep, sounds like our Ministry of Foreign Affairs, alright.
“But [the] pure and simple truth is, it was a bribe paid by Taiwan to maintain recognition of the Guatemalan government.”
I’m shocked — shocked.
There’s more: “Taiwan has accepted lamely that there were ‘errors’ in the past. But the Taiwanese government never accepted tacitly that it was handing out crude bribes to buy Presidents and leaders of government that decide their countries’ foreign policies.”
Hello? Have these people never heard of Taiwan-style “dollar diplomacy?” It’s about the worst-kept secret in foreign affairs since Israel’s nuclear program.
Finally, “This should force a reconsideration of the relationship with Taiwan, because the bribery has been proven and it’s disgusting that our country defines its foreign policy on that basis.”
I agree — it’s far better to define one’s foreign policy on the vast commercial potential of the China market, like most sensible countries.
Sheesh, La Hora really got its cojones in a bunch. Maybe while Ma’s down in Central America he can smooth things over. I’ve got the perfect idea: How about a trade deal? We’ve already got an FTA with Guatemala, so we’ll have to go even farther.
We’ll call it something like the “Bribery-substitution foreign-ally-maintenance preferential-treatment-for-Guatemalan-goods, so-you-can-rest economic framework agreement.”
Or, in Neihu-ese, the “Yes, we want more bananas” deal.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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