I hate to break it to you, dear reader, but after all our efforts, the proud island groups of Kinmen and Matsu are still unclear about their status, as this goodly rag reported on Tuesday.
That’s right. In the latest of a series of muddy symbolic tiffs, the administration of President Marky Mark Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) is claiming that it has not ceded sovereignty over the territory of Kinmen and Matsu even though it has not existed on Cabinet territorial documents since the 1990s.
I’m not sure that’s going to relieve the folks on those islands of their confused national identity, but ... well, it’s their problem now. And if they are set to join the rest of Fujian Province in Unfree China, then good luck to them. Thanks for all the liquor.
Now that these canaries in the mineshaft are gasping for air and ready to croak, our attention is inevitably drawn to the homeland and how to prepare for the worst.
In a few years from now, Taiwan will face the worst crisis in its modern history. I’m not talking about missiles raining down on modern art museums or amphibious vessels laying waste to night markets; no, I refer to the very real possibility that, when the violence starts, our beloved middle class — the backbone and guardian angel of Taiwan’s economic transformation — will be shocked silly at the prospect of being pistol-whipped by a bunch of thug People’s Liberation Army (PLA) soldiers from deepest, darkest Hunan Province, and that upon seeing the blood-red flag of China planted on our shores, will likely collapse in a heap, flitting between catatonia and mournfully humming tunes from the back catalog of Sylvia Chang (張艾嘉).
Most of us are either of the middle class or wish this were the case, and the fact is that it’s up to us now. This government of Greater China disciples is fulfilling its ideological destiny, so it can’t be relied upon to do the right thing for the nation it represents.
At some point, my well-to-do compatriots — who have raised their boys to tuck in their shirts and their girls to squeal, giggle and clap their hands at the earliest convenience — will need to turn away from their comfy lifestyles, overseas holidays and investment portfolios and embrace radicalism. To get their hands dirty.
Filthy dirty. But first, they need to know what to do.
Here are excerpts from a draft of The Middle Class Militant Cookbook, a work designed for Taiwanese under siege. Under “Action status” are comments by various middle class types who were asked for feedback.
Resistance mode: Direct action (violence)
Description: Spread leaflets and Internet messages warning that any Chinese civilian on Taiwanese soil who advocates invasion or makes light of harm coming to Taiwanese will be publicly identified, assaulted and verbally humiliated by mobile groups of young, anonymous activists collectively known as The Yam Ram. Any Republic of China national or civic group who aids and abets People’s Republic of China nationals to this end will also be sternly dealt with.
Action status: Simply unacceptable. This kind of behavior is reminiscent of street gangs. No dignity whatsoever. There must be another way to express dissatisfaction with unfortunate comments by uninformed folks from across the way.
Resistance mode: Direct action (violence)
Description: If any member of China’s armed forces sets foot on Taiwanese soil in a hostile or propagandist context, a pre-emptive attack on that person(s) should take place as soon as possible. If said person is in Taiwan on any other pretext, constant protests and verbal harassment are optimal.
Action status: Not much better. It hardly helps Taiwan’s reputation for hospitality to have a person with such good dress sense and a nice haircut harassed by people who assume he is up to no good. At least let the man speak!
Resistance mode: Direct action (violence)
Description: Urban warfare can only succeed if loyal elements in the military are backed by a large number of civilians. In this regard, militants can act as coordinators and mediators as well as providing battlefield support as required.
Action status: Look, my wife would go ballistic if she thought some uniformed chap was about to charge into her home without taking off his boots and then fire munitions through the bedroom window. The screen would be damaged, for a start. And for goodness’ sake, what would happen if the Chinese saw where the weapon was being fired from? Didn’t think of that, did you? I’ve sunk half of my life earnings into this mortgage!
Resistance mode: Direct action (propaganda)
Description: It is imperative that the relationship between national defense and youth idealism be rejuvenated, even if it is in a new and uncharted direction. Word-of-mouth campaigns through peer groups and in gathering places for young people (KTVs, Internet cafes, high schools, colleges) are essential to drive home the point that the fate of the nation rests in their hands. This is a complex project because of the need to gain the trust of alienated, distracted and resentful young people (especially boys and young men with Internet addictions) and to attract sympathy for militant intervention, and therefore requires careful planning and recruitment techniques.
Action status: What is this, a Scientologist convention? I would rather you stay well away from my children. I know they’re over 18 but they are extremely busy with their studies and I haven’t invested mountains of buxiban money to see them get shot in a Ximending (西門町) alley, thank you very much. Oh, and I have an excellent relationship with my son, despite what you may have heard.
Resistance mode: Foreign liaison work
Description: Channels of support and communication should be built with foreigners, including reporters, businesspeople and diplomats, to ensure that foreign interests are not perceived to be threatened by militant action. This will not be easy, but carefully selected sympathizers among foreigners could provide new ideas for resistance activities and combat China supporters in their home countries.
Action status: Now that you mention foreigners, couldn’t you, like, get some Foreign Legionnaires in to do the leg work if things get serious? You know, like Southeast Asian laborers, but with guns.
Resistance mode: Guerrilla operations
Description: Small numbers of militants can be stationed in more remote mountain areas from which demoralizing attacks on Chinese military units can be launched. With assistance from sympathetic locals, abandoned mountain infrastructure such as huts, caves and logging roads can be used without excessive risk. In steep and unstable terrain, explosives can be detonated above Chicom patrols, raining rocks and soil down upon them. It is crucial that Chicom targets be relieved of their weapons whenever possible and that heavier weapons such as mortars and boxes of ammunition have a pre-arranged location (such as caves) for storage.
Action status: Look, I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified of snakes and wasps and, really, is it necessary to stay up in the mountains for so long? Last time I went up to Alishan (阿里山) it rained for two weeks straight. You try defending your country when your socks are soaking wet and you’ve stubbed your toes on paved trails.
Resistance mode: Weapons collection and distribution
Description: In the event of invasion, pro-China elements in Taiwan’s military will secure or destroy the nation’s weapons. It is therefore essential to establish a chain of supply from military sources first. Weapons so obtained should be stored in smaller numbers in various locations to ensure that a single raid, for example, does not compromise overall operations. Note: It is inappropriate for weapons to be sourced from militants in the Philippines for political reasons (must keep Washington on side).
Action status: Just where are these precious weapons going to be stored? My garage is full of boxes for computers and other stuff and I just haven’t had the chance to clean it out. And I’m telling you, I’m very busy right now. Isn’t there some other way of working it out with those PLA fellows? I was just telling my Filipina caregiver the other day that all cross-strait tensions need is a good bit of arm-waving and a few sharp words and all will be fine.
Resistance mode: Empowerment through resource dispersal and regrouping
Description: In case of invasion, locate promising real estate in suburbs of US cities on the cusp of gentrification. Purchase two properties, one for residential purposes and the other rental. Relocate family to the area and install kids in superior schools. Protest outside Chinese consulates on weekends if weather and social schedule allow. Attend children’s sports events to infiltrate US middle class and learn psych-ops techniques from soccer moms. Secure weapons from local gun stores and store in neighbors’ houses to avoid suspicion (also prevents kids from hurting themselves). Donate money to conservative think tanks with no sense of humor. Stay away from Chinese and restrict dining in Cantonese restaurants to Chinese New Year and the Mid-Autumn Festival. Acquire US citizenship, enter Congress, get elected President of the United States, expel the Chicoms from the homeland, restore democracy, establish Republic of Taiwan. If last targets cannot be reached, buy more investment properties instead.
Action status: That’s more like it. Devote all time and resources to this option with immediate effect.
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