I don’t know what they’re putting in the coffee at the China Post, but things are getting out of hand.
I know, I know — as the ideological arch-rival of this little rag, the Post is way too obvious a target.
But I’m not talking ideology here. Seriously, what the hell is going on over there?
I mean, first it was the move to 500-point all-capital-letter headlines on the front page every day. I suppose they’re trying to imitate the Apple Daily and its outsized Chinese script.
But for a while there, every time I went by my local newsstand I thought World War III had broken out — only to find on closer inspection that there had been another black-faced spoonbill sighting or that spring onion prices were down.
And my favorite headline to date?
“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.”
Back when I learned journalism (sometime last century), we were taught that you only use the largest-type headlines when war is declared or for an event of equivalent import — a massive meteor strikes Earth, Taichung blows up, Yao-yao appears in a new bouncing-exercise-ball TV ad … that kind of thing.
Maybe it’s part of the China-friendly rag’s pro-unification psychological warfare. Now, when the Chicoms launch their invasion of Taiwan, no one will pay much attention — it will just be one more shrieking headline.
But wait — there’s more.
The China Post outdid itself with an editorial on Monday implying that if former president Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) had any balls, he would kill himself — just as former South Korean president Roh Moo-hyun did last weekend.
About Roh, who was being probed for corruption (his wife had already been indicted), the Post said:
“That’s atonement the Korean way. Roh hadn’t been indicted yet. Even if he had been put on trial, he still would have had the chance of proving his innocence. But he chose suicide to avoid being shamed in public. One may prove he was corrupt. He might be called a bad president. He might even be condemned as a hypocrite reformist. But no one can deny he was a brave man who knew shame is worse than death.
“The tragic death of the former Korean president stands in startling contrast with Chen Shui-bian now on trial for forgery, corruption, graft and money laundering. ...
“For whatever he might be, Chen isn’t a brave man. The brave know what shame is. He doesn’t. In this sense, he is very un-Chinese.”
Yeah, what’s wrong with you, A-bian? Why not let us hound you to an early grave, like any self-respecting Child of the Dragon would?
In the China Post’s kooky worldview, “Chinese = kills self when the chips are down,” while “Chen = un-Chinese pantywaister.”
The next day, the Post ran a more sober (by its standards) editorial that seemed to be atoning for the bilious words quoted above and for calling Chen corrupt even as his trial proceeds. But why were these guys so excitable in the first place?
Perhaps the Post’s editorial writers got excited by the recent story of the passerby who gave a suicidal man a helpful shove off a bridge in Guangzhou (the man survived, by the way).
Reported the China Daily: “The 66-year-old person who pushed him, Lai Jiansheng, had broken through a police cordon and climbed up to where Chen sat.
“He greeted him with a handshake before pushing him off the bridge.
“Chen damaged his spine and elbow in the fall.”
Said Lai, according to media reports: “I pushed him because jumpers like Chen are very selfish.”
Clearly, the China Post wants to give A-bian a similar push — from its editorial page perch.
Were the former president actually poised on the edge of a bridge, though, there’d be a long line waiting to give him a shove — including many of his erstwhile Democratic Progressive Party comrades. These guys would like nothing more than to see A-bian shuffle off and stop dragging the party down like a cement block tied to a mafia whack.
Meanwhile, over at the Reuters blog, the wire’s correspondent reports that only 10 percent of tickets for this summer’s World Games have been sold.
Alarmed, Kaohsiung Mayor Chen Chu (陳菊) jetted off to Beijing last week, apparently to try to sell the other 90 percent to the Chicoms.
Which means, come July, we may have a stadium full of black-suited Chicom bureaucrats looking around uncomfortably for cues to erupt in applause.
Anyway, they’re in for a treat: With events like korfball (that’s Dutch-style basketball), Latin dancing and canoe polo, the Games look set to be a hell of a lot more fun than a National People’s Congress plenary session.
In addition to these sports, the World Games feature several exhibition events that are chosen by the host country to show off its culture.
Under consideration for Kaohsiung this year are:
The 100-meter street vendor dash: Competitors race to see who can break down an entire onion pancake street stall and wheel it away before being ticketed by the cops.
Louis Vuitton handbag toss: Like shotput, except you hurl this must-have woman’s accessory packed with 15kg of makeup and beauty products.
Scooter relay: Teams compete for who can pile the most relatives, pets, furniture and random odds-and-ends on and off five different scooters in a 5km relay. Taiwan and Vietnam are expected to vie for the gold.
The 1,200m ke’ai-off: Teenage girls compete to see who can first spot a Labrador through field glasses at 1,200m, then complete the phrase “hao ke’ai o.”
Artistic rhythmic photo-posing: The Taiwanese will face stiff competition in this medal category from the Japanese and the Koreans. Competitors are scored on their flexibility, form and grace in executing the “V” finger sign in the correct position while being photographed by a camera attached to a rapid conveyor belt.
Betel-nut juice spitting: For the distance event, this year’s contestants will be hard-pressed to match reigning champion “A-gu” Lin, 57, of Chiayi County, who managed to hock a betel nut loogie clear across the Choshui River last year. For the obstacle course, contestants must spit out of a half-open car window without the spray touching the rim or the glass and land all of the vermilion ejaculate in a standard white plastic cup. If the cup falls over, the contestant is disqualified.
Taike triathlon: A triathlon with a twist — contestants run a marathon, bike 150km, and then see who can burn their way through a 200kg pile of ghost money. And the swimming leg? The hell with swimming.
Ethnic sobriquets: Competitors of different ethnic backgrounds hurl insults at each other and praise their own superiority before joining hands and performing A-mei’s (張惠妹) Sisters.
Soyball: The veggie version of the popular pigskin sport.
With events like this, we’ll leave a fantastic impression.
In fact, I’m heading down to 7-Eleven to pick up my ticket right now — and to read up on the latest earth-shaking news from the China Post.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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