Sat, Feb 07, 2009 page8

• Johnny Neihu's News Watch: Globalization of turds and inanity

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  Well, I suppose our beloved Taiwan has been called worse.

  I just can’t remember when.

  The Washington Post reported that retired Admiral Dennis Blair — now US President Barack Obama’s top intelligence official — wrote the following in response to a query from a US senator during his confirmation process.

  “‘It is absolutely incorrect,’ Blair said, ‘that I ever referred to Taiwan itself as the “turd in the punchbowl of US/China relations”.’”

  Gosh, I’m glad we’ve established that. But hang on. Then he says:

  “‘I did in fact use the too-colorful phrase “tossing a turd in the punchbowl” in a closed meeting in 2000, but the phrase referred to a specific action by a former Taiwanese government official that had been taken without consulting the United States and had caused a confrontation with Washington and the Chicoms,’ Blair wrote.”

  So who was the turd-tosser?

  From the above, sounds like he may be referring to ol’ man Lee Teng-hui (李登輝). In his day, Lee really knew how to plant a fat one on China’s plate and send Beijing’s leaders running to Washington to whine.

  Anyway, what’s the big deal about one more li’l piece of excrement? There’s so much BS in the US’ China policy that the punchbowl was already full of it anyway.

  Sadly, Lee’s too old to be tossing much of anything these days. His successor Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) knew how to party-poop the US State Department/Chicom lovefest, but he’s now in jail, safely out of throwing distance.

  Instead, we’ve got a president who’s all too happy to lap up whatever horse-hooey the Chicoms are serving. (Gives whole new meaning to the phrase chi ku — “eating bitterness.”)

  Speaking of unpleasant meals, our labor secretary Jennifer Wang (王如玄) had a few lame but probably well-intentioned remarks recently. Our own paper reported her saying that she expected a “strenuous year ahead for the labor market.”

  Really? You don’t say. I’m glad our Cabinet officials have turned on CNN and are aware something’s a wee bit wobbly in the ol’ global economy.

  But don’t worry, our government’s on the ball. Don’t go thinking it’s just standing around idly like a bump on a turd, as hundreds of thousands of Taiwanese see their livelihoods go up in smoke faster than a Chinese Internet cafe.

  Said Wang:

  “‘Some [employment service centers] have set up tents outside the buildings … and some cook ginger soup and play soft music to soothe the unemployed,’ she said.”

  Ah, the old “let them eat ginger soup” strategy. That’ll work.

  I don’t know about you, but if I’d just lost my livelihood because millions of bone-headed Americans woke up and realized they couldn’t pay their zero percent down mortgages, I’d feel like cranking up the Megadeth to “11” and roasting a live, wriggling pig on a spit.

  Leave the ginger soup for grandma.

  Meanwhile, according to CNA, President Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) “reiterated on Thursday that Taiwan needs to minimize the threat posed by China in order to uphold the country’s best interests.”

  So how do we do that?

  Apparently, by building a bridge connecting our Kinmen with the Chicoms’ Xiamen. Agence France-Presse reported that our scat-friendly prez has ordered a feasibility study on the bridge, which would cost an estimated NT$13.2 billion (US$392 million).

  Gee, great idea — and while we’re at it, why don’t we go and designate an official People’s Liberation Army beach landing point, with clearly marked signs reading, “Taipei this way, 100km”?

  Apparently, the Poo-Chewer-in-Chief is going by the old maxim, “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.”

  Problem is, he’s getting us so damn close to them that on a quiet night, you can now clearly hear the strains of The East is Red wafting across the Taiwan Strait from Fuzhou.

  Lastly, I’m happy to report — for those of you who were wondering — that the Hannibal, Missouri, Taiwan Project’s “Traditional Meal” was again a smashing success this year.

  The Hannibal Courier Post had the scoop. Attendees watched a video called The Beauty of Taiwan, then had a videoconference with teens from Taipei’s Dali High School.

  “Our Hannibal students were so excited to see them and the girls on both sides ran to the Web camera and started talking how they missed each other, including such topics as their new hair styles. This showed the audience how teenagers in Taiwan have the same interests as teenagers in America and how truly ‘small’ the world has become due to technology.”

  Ah, yes, thanks to the miracle of the Internet, we can confirm that teenage girls are equally superficial everywhere. It’s a small, inane world after all.

  When the hormone-crazed girls of Hannibal start running around in black socks pulled up to their knees, remarking on how everything’s hen ke-ai, we’ll know that globalization has truly triumphed.

  But I don’t mean to hurl a brown one into the non-alcoholic spritzer bowl here. Sounds like a great exchange program.

  So don’t take offense, girls — I’m just a cranky bastard that might not have a paycheck soon.

  Where did I put those Megadeth albums, anyway?

  Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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