Sat, Aug 23, 2008 page8

• Johnny Neihu's News Watch: Even worse than ‘taike’ Doritos

  • Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  It’s a tough time to be Taiwanese, dear reader.

  I’m not just talking about the US$20 million plus “Wiregate” scandal involving former president Chen Shui-bian’s (陳水扁) family — of which more later.

  No, the real downer was watching our baseball team — once the nation’s pride and a silver medal winner in 1992 — lose to China. Yes, that China. The one whose players until very recently didn’t know how to round a baseball diamond with a map.

  We whiffed. Choked. Screwed the pooch. Whatever you wanna call it — our boys blew it, losing to the pinche Chicom pineriders 8-7 in extra innings.

  It went beyond loss of face. It was even harder to swallow than a family size bag of taike-flavor Doritos (and by the way, the marketing genius who came up with that idea needs to go back to the lab).

  Still, did the San Luis Obispo Tribune really need to run the headline “Taiwan strikes out on world stage”? That hurt.

  Reuters twisted the knife in deeper with its story “Taiwan baseball chief to explain flop to fans”:

  “Taiwan’s top baseball official said he would explain to an angry public next week why his team fell to an embarrassing upset defeat to China in the Olympics and was eliminated from medal competition.”

  I’ll spare him the trouble. We sucked. They didn’t.

  But there’s more: “‘We see that China has made so much progress and why haven’t we progressed?’ Chinese Taipei Baseball Association president Alex Huang (黃文忠) told Reuters.”

  Why, indeed. I’ll give old man Huang one reason: Our head coach, Hung Yi-chung (洪一中), displayed all the judgment of a tanked English teacher at 6am on the dance floor at Vibe. He left our tired starting pitchers in the games so long that I began to think I was watching women’s softball.

  But when I saw a few of our “relief” pitchers in action, it all began to make sense. Turns out our bullpen has about as much depth as a Paris Hilton interview.

  It was the kind of globally broadcast humiliation that makes a guy want to crawl away into a Jhongli (中壢) basement lameidian with several controlled substances and never come out.

  Of course, there was another reason to seek a dank, dark place to hide this week. The former first couple’s latest scandal put an exclamation mark on their long, tawdry fall from democratization icons to national ass-monkeys.

  In case you passed out in Carnegies a week ago and just peeled yourself off the floor, former prez Chen admitted that he and his wife had more than US$20 million squirreled away in Swiss bank accounts. He claimed it was all leftover, unspent campaign donations going back to the 1990s.

  He then proceeded with a long series of mind-bending explanations that can be summarized as follows:

  1. It was my wife’s fault.

  2. I didn’t know where my US$20 million was until just a few months ago.

  3. When I realized where it was, I decided to donate it to the nation.

  4. Except that several months later, I still hadn’t done that.

  5. But I was planning to, honest.

  6. I didn’t steal the money, because I was gonna give it back.

  7. Everybody else does it too.

  8. Lien Chan (連戰), James Soong (宋楚瑜) and Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) are even worse liars than me.

  9. Those guys really suck.

  10. Can I go home now? I don’t feel well.

  Now, lots of people are throwing around the term “money laundering,” which is premature. After all, it’s possible A-bian’s right, and these were just leftover campaign crumbs.

  In which case this is really a case of tax evasion — and he’s got a lot of explaining to do to presidential wannabe Frank Hsieh (謝長廷) as to why he didn’t use more of this dough to help poor ol’ Frankie’s lackluster campaign.

  But we Taiwanese can be forgiven if we don’t quite buy the “leftovers” line. In fact, this explanation goes down about as well as a few liters of that vile beer-flavored green tea they’re hawking on TV these days (the creator of which will surely join the inventor of taike Doritos in a special circle of hell).

  And A-bian himself? Let’s just say he’s now got all the credibility of US politician John Edwards banging on about marital fidelity.

  Meanwhile, A-bian’s lawyer, Wellington Koo (顧立雄) has apparently had enough. He told the press that he terminated his contract with A-bian, but at least he had the class (very rare on this isle) not to trash-talk his former client.

  That will come later, in a Next Magazine interview.

  Other highlights:

  • The former first lady’s brother admitted he’d used “underground” banks to send some money abroad for his sis. After all, what are brothers for?

  • A-bian’s daughter had a massive, shrieking meltdown in front of the national TV news media, all of which was given excruciating, repeated play on local stations.

  • A-bian’s son was a no-show at his University of Virginia law school orientation, perhaps realizing he could get a far better education in law by helping defend his family rather than living in a boring old Charlottesville library.

  • And the former first lady’s sister-in-law “passed out” during questioning, thereby avoiding having to add anything helpful to the investigation.

  Is this my country’s politics, or a bad reality TV show?

  Clearly, our own political Harry Houdini is running out of escape strategies. So, with thanks to A-bian for the many years of entertainment he’s provided, and as a helping hand (since everyone else, including his lawyer, has ditched him in embarrassment), here are a few more excuses for baffling investigators and the public.

  They are provided as a pro bono public service to allow him a few months of liberty — before he starts decorating his jail cell.

  To: Chen Shui-bian

  From: Dr Johnny Neihu IV

  Subject: Emergency excuse list for why your family wired abroad more than US$20 million on the sly

  Date: Aug. 23, 2008

  To be carried at all times, and referred to when cornered in public by reporters:

  1. I was merely testing the effectiveness and reaction time of stricter money laundering procedures in the wake of Sept. 11 as a service to Taiwan’s dear ally, the US. Good job, guys!

  2. I was merely testing the strength of Taiwan’s corruption laws and measures. Grade: D minus.

  3. I misread the wire form, thinking I was sending money to “Sanchong-land,” not “Switzerland.”

  4. The money was part of an ultra-secret diplomatic ploy to win recognition from Switzerland. Next target: Liechtenstein.

  5. Ditto Singapore — and the Cayman Islands.

  6. I was planning to buy festive, colorful “Swatch” watches for every single Taiwanese child.

  7. I was planning to buy festive, colorful “Swatch” watches for every single seriously disabled Taiwanese person.

  8. I was planning to buy high-grade Swiss chocolate bars, Ricola cough drops and some of those horns they use on mountaintops in Ricola advertisements for every single Taiwanese child and seriously disabled person.

  9. Someone told me Switzerland has better financial feng shui.

  And, if all else fails ...

  10. Matsu made me do it.

  Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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