Spare a thought for poor old cost-cutter-in-chief Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九).
All the work that this green-obsessed goofball has put into reducing his carbon footprint with his reusable chopsticks and sweaty, air-conditioner-free nights in the Presidential Office since taking office two months ago will evaporate the minute he steps onto China Airlines flight 006 on Aug. 12 to become the world’s first economy-class head of state (OK, OK, so he’s in the first class section).
A long-haul flight, according to one of those uber-trendy (and utterly pointless) carbon offsetting Web sites, generates about 4 tonnes of carbon dioxide per passenger, enough to make several polar bears and Arctic foxes (and their families) homeless.
But that may be just the beginning, as Ma could well find himself on another long-haul flight just a week after his return from Central America if he decides to accept an invitation to a bash in Swaziland celebrating the 40th anniversary of the founding of our noble ally. The party is also being held to mark King Mswati III’s 40th birthday party, the Central News Agency (CNA) reported.
Rumor has it that Ma has recently given the boffins at the Industrial Technology Research Institute the go-ahead to design a new low-carbon presidential hot-air balloon.
Carbon emission concerns aside, I’m guessing that Ma will politely decline Mswati’s invitation because the king is not exactly the kind of company one would imagine a dull-as-dishwater family man like Ma to be comfortable around.
After all, according to entirely reliable Internet sources, Mswati has 14 wives and 23 children — impressive stats for someone so young.
But even those numbers pale in comparison to his old man King Sobhuza II, who apparently had 70 wives at the time of his death in 1982 and left more than 1,000 grandchildren.
“I find very little time with my family most of the time. I normally work until 11pm ... and this makes me feel stressed because I’m being over-worked, but I have to do everything possible to satisfy my people,” Mswati told the British Broadcasting Corporation in a 2001 interview.
No prizes for guessing what he does to relieve the stress.
If Ma does decide to visit, he would be well advised not to take either of his two daughters with him on the trip, or they could end up staying in Swaziland permanently — if past experience is anything to go by.
Back in 2002, an 18-year-old Swazi high school student disappeared from her school. Her mother, fraught with worry, contacted the police, who promptly informed her that her missing daughter was in fact staying at the king’s residence and was being lined up as Wife No. 10.
Her mother sued, claiming abduction, but eventually dropped the case after it became apparent that her daughter had gone to the palace of “her own free will” and had consented to marrying the king after “falling in love” with him.
A fairytale romance indeed, but according to a number of reports, critics in Swaziland question whether the king’s annual bridal selections should be categorized as “abusive and unlawful abduction.”
There are also those who call Mswati a dictator, but on past form that shouldn’t really pose a problem for Ma.
What could upset our progressive president, however, are Mswati’s views on HIV and AIDS, often termed the “scourge of Africa.”
In 2000, Mswati announced in Swaziland’s parliament that HIV carriers should be “sterilized and branded.” The following year he tried to introduce a five-year nationwide sex ban in an attempt to halt the spread of the disease.
Unfortunately, Mswati had trouble practicing what he preached and took several new wives during the ensuing period.
In fact, Mswati is right up there with another one of Taiwan’s colorful African diplomatic allies, Gambian President Yahya Jammeh, when it comes to “interesting” views on the AIDS/HIV issue.
Jammeh, as you may recall from an earlier mention in this column, “cures” HIV patients every Thursday with a treatment that involves rubbing snake oil on their chest.
Anyway, back to the invitation. Knowing what Taiwan’s diplomatic buddies are like, I can’t help but think that there is an ulterior motive behind Mswati’s offer.
Should Ma attend, the king will probably turn round as everyone is leaving and ask Ma to help pick up the bar tab, or hit him with a request to help pay for some new gold brocade cushion covers in the presidential palace, or even worse, buy new shoes for all of his children and grandchildren.
Why is Taiwan such a soft touch when it comes to aid requests from its allies? You don’t really need to answer that question, but some of the stuff Taiwan “donates” to its allies is rather unusual, to say the least.
On Wednesday, CNA reported on the government’s recent US$300,000 donation, via ambassador Wu Chin-mu (吳進木), to Nicaragua that will enable the impoverished Latin American nation to provide 6,000 of its police force with uniforms until 2011. So much for an end to dollar diplomacy.
You can just imagine the conversation:
Nicaraguan police commissioner: “Seeenor Wu, You know zee poliiizeman standing guard outside zee embassee gates?”
Wu: “Yes. Gonzales, isn’t it? What about him?”
Commissioner: “Well, eeeez uniform iizz so threadbare it iizz likely to fall off with zee next goost of wind. So unless you want zee good lady Wu and young mistress Wu to cop the eyeful next time she enterz zee embassee compound—”
Wu: “Enough. I’ll get on to Taipei right away.”
This generous sartorial offering comes just 12 months after Wu donated a whopping US$30 million to help Nicaragua with its “energy crisis.”
What did they do with all that cash, one wonders? Use it as fuel at the local power plant?
Also in July last year, Taiwan donated 30 police cars, 30 motorcycles, 500 portable radios and 5,000 uniforms to the Panamanian National Police.
What is it with Latin American police forces that need foreign aid?
Quite obviously they are not taking enough bribes. Get your act together, gentlemen!
Relying on Taiwan for equipment and clothing is one thing, but let’s hope the same police forces do not rely on Taiwan for training.
I predict that thousands of cops riding around the streets of Central American countries on Sanyang motorbikes and brand new Italian-made uniforms, signing patrol cards and handing out tickets to helmet-less scooter riders, will pretty soon see the region’s already infamous crime rates skyrocketing.
So much so that, one day not too far away, their levels may approach those of Taichung.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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