Isn’t this whole “opening to China” thing going just a wee bit too fast?
In recent weeks we’ve had the news that Taiwan will welcome hordes of “quality” Chinese tourists, beginning on July 4. Xinhua and People’s Daily propaganda hacks will be allowed back in. Chinese pop stars — like Li Yuchun (李宇春), the gender-transcending “Super Girl” beloved of Chinese fans — will now get the red carpet treatment.
And it’s only a matter of time before the pandas Yuanyuan and Tuantuan begin their sickeningly cute frolicking and bamboo-chomping at a dehumidified zoo near you.
Why don’t we invite the People’s Liberation Army too, and get it over with?
What’s next … “Get to Know China’s Frogmen” open houses at the community swimming pool on alternate Saturdays?
I mean, I get the part about trying to make peace with an annoying, aggressive neighbor. But do we really need to invite his backward inlaws over too — and all at once?
How about starting with a civilized tea session to talk turkey on our property dispute. If that goes well, then we can consider inviting over Fathead Lin, Barebelly Bing, Iron-stomach Fu and his two iodine-challenged second cousins from that village down the road from Dongfengnan.
But no — President Ma (“Call me mister”) Ying-jeou (馬英九) is giving the Chinese the run of the shop.
He’s even passed out Presidential Office passes to parachuting celebrity investors like Jim Rogers, who will leave Taiwan with their money faster than you can say “speculation” at the first sign of serious economic headwinds.
With this stampede of interlopers, the only thing for a self-respecting Taiwanese to do is lock up your valuables, get the sugar-cane cutter sharpened and send your daughters back to the safety of the sticks in Tainan.
But it’s not just Homo sapiens chicomius that are heading this way — it’s other beasts too.
CNA reported that Taipei and Shanghai are about to “swap animals” (rumors that Taipei Mayor Hau Lung-bin (郝龍斌) and Shanghai Mayor Han Zheng (韓正) would also “swap saliva” are greatly exaggerated). Shanghai gets orangutans, white-handed gibbons and sun bears. Taipei gets snub-nosed monkeys, Chinese alligators and lesser pandas.
However, the final host city for two endangered Taiwanese political species — the speckle-bellied Lien Chan (連戰) and red-tufted James Soong (宋楚瑜) — have not yet been determined, though the Beijing Zoo has expressed interest in including them as part of its special “evolutionary cul-de-sacs” exhibit.
And in case there is any misunderstanding on where all this is going, from The Associated Press (AP) comes news that China urged Japan to support its goals of unification with Taiwan.
Wrote AP: “Beijing’s top official for Taiwan issues was quoted as telling [Japanese member of parliament] Otohiko Endo that Beijing’s union with the self-governing island would bring advantages to Tokyo.
“Wang Yi [王毅], head of the Cabinet’s Taiwan Affairs Office, didn’t say what those benefits were, according to the Chinese reports.
“According to the reports, Wang called the Japanese public’s lack of consensus on the benefits of unification ‘regrettable.’”
Wang’s comments put me in mind of the first Star Wars movie, when Darth Vader (cue sinister mechanical breathing noises) tells an Imperial bigwig who’s skeptical about the power of the Force: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
Meanwhile, China’s ever-present nannies have drawn up rules for Chinese tourists and tour operators in Taiwan, Xinhua reported.
If they break the rules, the tourists’ 10-day, sordid “Chicoms Gone Wild” bacchanalia in the renegade province will be followed by a 10-year sentence breaking big rocks into smaller rocks and assisting with Falun Gong liver extractions at a Gansu laogai.
Xinhua reports that the China-based Cross-Strait Tourism Association announced that “tourist activities on the island should not involve gambling, pornography, drugs or any other activities that may hamper mainland-Taiwan ties on the island.”
Clearly, the association members who wrote that have never spent time in a Taiwanese KTV. How they expect cross-strait ties to improve without gambling, pornography and drugs is anyone’s guess.
I mean, do they really think unification is going to happen based on group recitations of The Analects?
The most laughable news of the week came courtesy of CTI-TV via Sify News, which reported on the Taiwan Motor Transport Company’s “Learn to Smile” campaign.
As part of a grossly misguided effort, they’ve distributed beaming photos of supermodel Lin Chi-ling (林志玲) to several hundred of their bus drivers.
“The company is asking its bus drivers to imitate Lin’s trademark smile — which shows her white teeth — to make Chinese tourists feel welcome. ... Each bus driver must hold up the poster and practice the Lin smile at least 1,200 times.”
I don’t know about you, but if I saw my betel-nut chewing, Long Life-sucking bus driver attempting a hao ke’ai Lin impression complete with a “rabbit ears” hand sign, my first instinct would be to smack him silly and then put him in a headlock till he cried “Bo bo.”
Besides, doesn’t the Taiwan Motor Transport Co know anything about Chicom tourists? Everyone knows they treat their service staff like something lower than dirt. Surely they’d take a dippy Lin smile as a sign of weakness and proceed to bully the drivers without mercy.
So, as a countermeasure to this vile Lin Chi-ling propaganda, I will personally be distributing a corrective photo to all bus drivers, tour guides, hotel and restaurant staff and others who will have to endure the arriving Chicom masses.
The new model: a glaring Clint Eastwood in his classic Dirty Harry persona.
All recipients must practice the Dirty Harry Growl at least 2,400 times.
Because as Beijing knows better than anyone, after 60 years of Communist Party rule and hundreds of years of occupation by various neighboring hordes, the only thing that will keep Children of the Dragon in line is fear — raw fear.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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