I know it sounds disgusting, but there are a number of benefits when, like me, you are a regular masticator of Semen arecae catechu.
For, according to the Web site sacredlotus.com, betel nut (as it is more commonly known) can help kill intestinal parasites such as “Tapeworms, Fasciolopsis, Pinworms, Roundworms and Blood Flukes.” It can “unblock the bowels,” which is handy for “diarrhea or constipation and tenesmus,” while it’s also good for “chest congestion with wheezing and phlegm, and belching,” a godsend when you get to my age, believe me.
The wonder nut also promotes “urination,” which is supposed to help with the rather curiously named “Damp Leg Qi Syndrome.” Is it me, or does that sound like a politically correct Chinese medical colloquialism for pissing your pants?
So it turns out that the much-maligned betel nut does have some benefits after all. That’s fine, I suppose, as long as you put the risk of oral cancer in the back of your mind.
But by far the greatest benefit of “Taiwanese chewing gum” is that, with a mouth resembling the aftermath of the Tiananmen Square Massacre, it makes you reluctant to visit the dentist, which is rather fortunate when there are individuals like Tony Shiu on the loose.
Shiu (also known as Shiu Tony Gong and Tony J) was reported to be a fugitive dentist of Hong Kong extraction from the US who had been on the run in Taiwan for two years until he was caught by the authorities last week and repatriated.
It later turned out that he was a doctor of Taiwanese heritage, but that’s what you get for trusting the Central News Agency.
The Los Angeles Times reported on May 30 that upon arrival back in the US, Mr Shiu was arrested and charged with “felony sodomy” and the rather quaintly titled “sexual penetration of an unconscious person,” among other acts.
He apparently fled the US when police began investigating him in 2006 after a number of men in the area had told police: “Visiting the doctor has become a real pain in the ass” (I made that bit up).
And it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “You’re going to feel a little pinprick.”
Anyway, the worrying thing about this little episode is that this shady character had been teaching children at a Taipei bushiban during his time on the lam.
Had his employers never heard of a background check? I guess not, but then minor details like whether one is wanted by police for allegedly riding comatose patients don’t seem to matter in the wonderfully wacky world that is English teaching in Taiwan. All that matters is the accent.
We don’t care if you are an alleged on-the-run sodomizing physician as long as you have a bona fide “American accent.” All else can be forgiven.
But to give my compatriots credit, globalization has sort of woken us up to the fact that people from other countries speak English as well, and that the number of “US accent required” ads has decreased.
But accent discrimination remains, and it is still a big problem for some — if what my sources say about the Taipei American School is true.
Apparently, a shortage of “authentic” American teachers in Tianmu (天母) has led to an invasion of antipodeans, whose Strine-laden language is upsetting affluent local parents who would rather their expensively educated children articulate in the style of US President George W. Bush than former Australian prime minister John Howard.
In fact, there are so many Australians working at the school these days that “barbie” and “bush tucker” are now standard fare in the school canteen, while “sunnies,” “duds” and “thongs” are de rigueur in the playground.
I understand the last straw was when one student, upset at what he deemed to be parental intransigence, called his father a “drongo,” and said: “Don’t come the raw prawn with me, cobber.”
Anyway, back to Tony J.
One of the most interesting aspects of the whole saga is looking him up on the Web site of America’s Most Wanted, where he shares a page with a transgender murderer/ess and a kiddie porn collector with “an arsenal large enough to supply a small army.”
Just think: People of this moral caliber could be teaching your kids down at the local cram school right now as you read this.
The Web site even has amusingly titled articles about the suspects, such as the one about Tony called “The wrong prescription.”
It’s such a shame we don’t have anything similar on TV here, so I’ve decided to follow up the success of my screenwriting debut a few weeks ago and pitch my idea for Taiwan’s Most Wanted to any interested TV producers who may be reading.
It would take the form of a half-hour show in the style of Cops, but instead of using Inner Circle’s reggae classic Bad Boys as the theme, it could use A-mei’s (張惠妹) Bad Boy to give it a more local flavor.
Anyway, here’s the line-up for the pilot.
1. Wanted for crimes against fashion: “Bonnie and Clyde,” aka Chiou I-jen (邱義仁) and ex-vice prez Annette Lu (呂秀蓮). I know Chiou is a Beatles fan, but with those band collar shirts and questionable wedge hairstyle, he looks more like a poor man’s Phil Oakey from the Human League than John Lennon. And as for Annette’s outfits, the less said the better. Except that she must have inherited her wardrobe from Britain’s Queen Mother after she died.
Last known location: Chiou: Papua New Guinea, brandishing a stash of Japanese porn DVDs. Lu: Pushing a shopping trolley full of recyclables around Ximending (西門町).
2. Wanted for just about everything: “Crybaby,” aka Wang You-theng (王又曾), for allegedly embezzling enough money to end world hunger, for squealing like a stuck pig as Singapore’s immigration officers tried to remove him from a Cambodia-bound plane and for giving the term “reckless abandonment” a whole new definition when he fled and left his eight offspring to take the rap.
Last known location: his million-dollar mansion in sunny California.
3. Wanted for dereliction of duty: “Mr Handsome,” aka President Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九), the man who vowed to defend Taiwan’s sovereignty in the run-up to the election then said it wasn’t important in his inaugural address. This week he chose to lick Beijing’s rear end rather than chastise it on the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. It seems Chinese tourists and disposable chopsticks are more important than democracy and human rights to “Mr Ma” these days.
Last known location: anywhere but at a dragon boat race.
4. Wanted for opposite sex crimes: “The Fossil,” aka Koo Kwang-ming (辜寬敏). Taiwan’s last living dinosaur caused a storm recently when running for the Democratic Progressive Party chairmanship. In a reference to his opponent he said that the party’s future should not be entrusted to an unmarried “girl.” Incredibly, he lost.
Last known location: on a tuna boat heading for the Marshall Islands.
5. Wanted for reckless endangerment: “The Center for Dimwitted Choices” aka the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).
In a country stacked full of hot young models, the CDC scraped the bottom of the world’s deepest barrel this week when it enlisted the services of that spawn of the devil, Sean “Heir Apparent” Lien (連勝文), as a poster boy in its fight against the enterovirus. What better way of keeping kids away from the washbasin than having a picture of that good-for-nothing lump next to it. His wife’s pretty tasty, though.
Last known location: anywhere there’s a willing cable news TV camera.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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