Sat, Apr 26, 2008 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Hey guys, the uninterest is mutual

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  A lot has happened since my last column: the presidential election; the pathetic demise of two UN referendums (and rise of the Self-Hating Taiwanese), Frank Hsieh’s (謝長廷) resignation as DPP chairman and Frank Hsieh’s de-resignation as DPP chairman.

  And that was just the first week.

  My gal Cathy and I did manage to get out and vote on March 22, but it wasn’t easy. Our friendly borough chief had greased our palms so thick we could barely hold our ballots.

  So, you ask, as the pan-green camp writhed in the throes of electoral suicide and post-election “introspection,” how could I just abandon them?

  Easy.

  But, hey, the DPP has done just fine without me. It’s just finished eight whole sessions of profound omphaloskepsis. The party may not have seen the error of its ways yet, but it’s got three first-rate candidates for head honcho.

  Take former senior presidential adviser Koo Kwang-ming (辜寬敏), for example. Here’s a man who thinks women shouldn’t be national leaders and isn’t afraid to say it. “Democratic” and “progressive” in a nutshell. A dazzling comeback is in the making.

  A special thanks goes to Cathy for stepping in that first week and making the cumulative offensiveness of everything I’ve ever written amount to little more than a Hallmark card. I didn’t get nearly as much hate mail as I was expecting, but Cathy has been branded the DPP’s 12th bandit and is currently in self-imposed exile on Green Island, her Martial Law-era home. Drastic perhaps, but safe from retribution.

  So now, when I read New York Times articles about Taiwanese presidential elections, I have to clean up after my own mess after lurching to the bathroom. Come back soon, Cathy.

  Some of you may have been as surprised as I was by her article. The crux of Cathy’s argument was that people are actually capable of independent thought. I wish I could be so optimistic. The evidence suggests otherwise. And to prove my case, I’ll present just a few examples of human intellect.

  Exhibit A: What stroke of inspiration led former Ministry of Cock-ups secretary-general Chuang Kuo-rong (莊國榮) to open that catastrophe he calls his mouth six days before the election and say Ma Ying-jeou’s (馬英九) late father liked to hump his adoptive daughter?

  Much like the invasion of Iraq, Chuang’s decision was not based on “intelligence.” And after his previous insinuations about Ma and Taipei Mayor Hau Lung-bin (郝龍斌), it’s clear Chuang has an unhealthy preoccupation with the carnal desires of Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) figures. But no worries: Chuang resigned and was due back at his post at National Chengchi University (NCCU), molding the minds of our pliable youth. Maybe he’ll teach sex education. Or literature (his favorite work? The Dream of the Blue Chamber).

  But NCCU isn’t the only institution of higher learning boasting faculty with feeble faculties. Nor are politicians the only halfwits around. How else would we elect the same brawling, incompetent thugs to the legislature time and again (Exhibit B, the wisdom of the masses; Exhibit C, the legislature in its entirety).

  Let me share some of the insightful comments I’ve heard from some of my compatriots lately.

  “China doesn’t jail reporters anymore. That was when Mao was alive” (graduate student in chemistry).

  “Taiwan is one of the poorest countries in the world” (cab driver).

  Or how about the associate professor at the Technology and Science Institute of Northern Taiwan, whose article was published in this paper last month? In an otherwise passable article, Samantha Wu (吳珊珊) brushes off complaints that the KMT won 72 percent of the legislature with 50 percent of the vote using a simple but irrefutable argument: “If the DPP’s argument that such a system is unfair were correct, the US would already have abolished [the electoral college] system.”

  Try getting your head around that one.

  So where do our deluded views of economic, political and social “reality” come from? And more importantly, who can I blame? As I always say: If you can’t blame the Chicoms, heckle the media.

  On Monday I took a good, hard look at Chinese-language newspapers to see just what they’re teaching us about this great, wide world. After resisting the temptation to count all KMT-related articles as “international,” I found pathetically little.

  First up to bat was the United Daily News (UDN). The paper had a half page of news on Tibet and Chinese protests against CNN and Carrefour. Not bad for a start, even if they declined to put it on their “international” page. I gave it half a point.

  It also had a full-page of coverage on South Korean politics. Having a special correspondent abroad wins the UDN two points.

  Apart from that: an article on traveling across Asia and a snippet about a huaqiao who works for US presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

  Slim pickings indeed. Especially when you consider the newspaper managed to fit in a quarter-page article about a cat from Pingtung that uses the toilet and another quarter-page on the pubic hair-shaving adventures of bikini-clad babes. Not to mention a full-page spread on what you can and cannot throw in the toilet and an astonishing 13 photographs of fashion models with incoming first lady Chow Mei-ching’s (周美青) head pasted on top. In fact, I’m deducting a point for that last one.

  Tally: 1.5 points. Coverage on conflict in Africa: nil.

  If this were my daily lifeline to reality I might start buying all the hype that my beloved country is teetering on the edge of armed ethnic conflict.

  Next in line was the China Times. With one full page on China-related developments and another page on the race for the US Democratic nomination, it clearly outshines the UDN. Add to that a bonus page with news about exotic places like Guantanamo Bay and somewhere called “Australia.” To top it all off, a small token photo from Africa. Welcome to the global village. Three points.

  Articles on naughty British Prince William: One. World hunger: zero.

  For the money-minded, the Economic Daily News delivers. You’ve got your mandatory US subprime woes and a smattering of international finance and free trade agreements. And this paper gets an honorable mention for an article on the tiny tax haven of Liechtenstein in which the expression “reminiscent of the Gestapo” appears in English and Chinese.

  Unfortunately, the selection of international news was just a tad biased. Coverage on how rich the Chinese will make us: didn’t bother counting. On rising global temperatures and other effects of uncurbed consumption: zilch.

  As for the Apple Daily, I strongly suspect there was something international in there somewhere. Unfortunately, I got so caught up with sensory overload of sordid computer-generated images and bloody photographs — tastefully juxtaposed with scantily clad lamei — that I can’t remember a damn thing I read.

  Last but not least, the Neihu News Network (NNN).

  NNN dedicates one page to world events, but the bottom fifth is a language-study aid and the top fifth is devoted to Prince William’s roguish escapades.

  The rest? A dash of China/US news and the effects of air pollution on the scent of flowers.

  Then comes a half-page called “international view.” Racy photos from Japanese blogs: one. Insight: zip.

  I’ll give NNN one point for effort.

  By now you may be thinking: “But what about genocide in Darfur and the standoff in Zimbabwe? What about biofuels and the shrinking World Food Programme?”

  Just chill and learn to think local. If the KMT and the DPP can, so can you. Only five countries exist, not including us: China, Japan, the US, South Korea and a united Europe.

  Make that four: With the new, improved, localized KMT taking over, the “Mainland” will soon be downgraded to an “outlying province of Taiwan.”

  For a country that complains the world knows nothing about it, we’re not exactly looking past our noses. So the uninterest is mutual. After all, ignorance is bliss.

  Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or your bouquets and brickbats will be listed as spam.
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