Sat, Nov 24, 2007 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: One movement you can count on

  • By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
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  Where is the line between political and apolitical?

  Foreigners living here a while may have learned by now that everything involving this twilight zone we call home is political. But for those of you still under the illusion that a baseball game is just a baseball game, welcome to our world. Let me fill you in.

  Beijing's bullying in ostensibly non-political international contexts is part of its mission to liberate its Taiwanese "brethren."

  Its strategy? Annoy the hell out of our medical experts, athletes, filmmakers and scientists who'd like nothing more than to go to an international forum, festival or tournament without fighting to the death for a visa and being trapped in mind-numbing debates over the national title ("Chinese Taipei" at APEC, "Taipei, China" at the Asian Development Bank, and the "Separate Customs Territory of Taiwan, Penghu, Kinmen and Matsu" at the WTO, for starters).

  This month, Taiwan was allowed to participate as an observer at the Kimberley Process for the first time. Participant countries work together to put an end to shady diamond sales that fund armed conflict in Africa. But China wasn't so much interested in ending war as in blocking Taiwan from taking part.

  China probably threatened to buy every blood diamond it could get its hands on, but in the end this year's chair, the EU, let Taiwan in on the fun.

  Feels pretty good, huh? Bask in the glory. But whatever you do, don't look at the Kimberley Process Web site, where we're listed as the "rough-diamond trading entity of Chinese Taipei."

  If only the vicious world of politics was confined to adults.

  Over the summer, after months of trying to secure visas for our Asian Champion youth baseballers, it became clear that host Venezuela would not let Taiwan compete at the world Youth Baseball Championships.

  These kids weren't going to Venezuela to declare independence. They were going to play ball -- and are probably as interested in politics as I am likely to lick made-in-China Elmo dolls. So imagine my glee when the International Baseball Federation canceled the entire world competition just two days ahead of its start because Taiwan would have been excluded.

  Our athletes, who suffer the embarrassment of being known in the sporting world as "Chinese Taipei," aren't the only ones forced to fight for a little respect. But even a cynic like me was surprised when the eternal squabble over our name turned up at the world bird conservation partnership, BirdLife International.

  Chairman Peter Schei of Norway, in a perverted mating call to Beijing, is pushing our member organization, the Wild Bird Federation Taiwan, to drop that pesky last word in its title.

  What does it take to interest bird-nerds in politics? Maybe guaranteed access to some of China's restricted border areas they've been drooling over for decades. Or did Beijing threaten to relaunch its Mao-era no-sparrow-left-behind campaign?

  I would've expected a little more sympathy from Schei -- him being from a country that no one knows anything about, except that dead parrots pine for its fjords.

  All of this came on the heels of the World Organization for Animal Health downgrading us ("us" in this case being "Taipei China" -- no comma this time) to a "non-sovereign regional member" in May upon Beijing's request.

  Admittedly, China made a convincing case for the change: It refused to pay its membership dues.

  Since China likes playing dirty, let's take the fight even lower -- to the sewers. A new international organization opened in Seoul this week, and it's the perfect stage for a war of asinine proportions: the World Toilet Association (WTA).

  Don't think that what goes on in your privy is private, let alone apolitical. Taiwanese bowels have always been, and always will be, part of China, or so Beijing tells us.

  Within six months of our participation, Beijing will have bribed or threatened the WTA into downgrading our name to the "Marginally Autonomous Excreta Production Unit of Taiwan, Penghu, Kinmen and Matsu."

  So why not arm ourselves now?

  I will volunteer to serve as Taiwan's WC ambassador. I'm the perfect candidate.

  1. I don't take shit.

  2. My gal Cathy Pacific is always saying I spend too much time in the can (it's the only place I can muster the courage to read the daily newspapers -- happily, I never have to buy toilet paper).

  3. As a journalist, I'm armed with the perfect evidence that Taiwan produces its own feces. TVBS has been broadcasting the stuff for years.

  With arguments like this, we can't lose.

  A porcelain seat at the world toilet bowl would prove we meet one of four criteria of statehood we hear so much about: a defined territory, a citizenry, diplomatic allies on the UN Security Council and independent bowel movements.

  I'm sure that the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) would be relieved. It'll need these victories -- coupled with a hyper Shieh Jhy-wey (謝志偉) doing cartwheels from Keelung to Kenting while rapping about the Chinese Nationalist Party's (KMT) stolen assets -- in order to get Frank Hsieh (謝長廷) the keys to the Presidential Office. If Frankie runs on his own charisma, he won't even win the keys to the bathroom.

  Of course, there are tricks to gaining popularity for public figures who lack a personality. Making a movie has propelled Al Gore to stardom, but there's hardly time for Hsieh to make his debut as filmmaker now. And what would a Hsieh production be about anyway? An Inconvenient Truth: My Romantic Paris Getaway With Sung Chi-li (宋七力)? Not exactly a Nobel Peace Prize candidate.

  Anyway, you didn't think the DPP nominated a man with a background as a follower of infamous "split body" cult leader Sung for his personality, did you? Hsieh got the nod because he's supposedly a less intimidating shade of green -- maybe even light enough to confuse a few half-blind octogenarian military pensioners returning to Taiwan to vote.

  Thank Matsu he's got Su Tseng-chang (蘇貞昌) as vice presidential candidate to help him out. The Dynamic Duo may not be so dynamic, but I'm glad now that Hsieh picked Su Tseng-chang instead of Yeh Chu-lan (葉菊蘭) as side-kick. Who wants the Hakka vote when you can woo the bald?

  Like any good Victorian towel, though, Su claimed he didn't want it until the very last second. He did it for his country. Just close your eyes and think of Taiwan, you sexy thing. Chong, chong, chong!

  They're going to have to sex themselves up, though, if they expect to get any female votes.

  Then again, Maybe Yeh would've done the DPP ticket some good. To women, the Hsieh-Su combination is about as exciting as a trip to the Neihu Refuse Incinerator Park Warm-Water Swimming Pool.

  But let's be objective. It won't be fair to anyone -- Ma, Hsieh or the nation -- if Ma wins based entirely on his rugged Sean Connery-esque good looks and California-fitness physique. Ma doesn't want you to like him just because he's a pretty boy.

  And all of this is wreaking havoc on Hsieh's self-confidence; he's rumored to be considering plastic surgery.

  Or a life-threatening attempt to outdo the KMT sweetheart's tour of Taiwan by biking up and down the island in a yellow shirt and yellow pants without using the handles ("Look Ma, no hands!").

  We should be electing our commander-in-chief based on actual merits -- the ability to relate to modern social issues and phenomena.

  Such as ke'ai-ness.

  I recommend the presidential candidates dress up in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms complete with Mary-Janes and plaid hair bows. The shorter the pleated skirt the better and low-cut blouses get bonus points.

  Mixing underage looks with rampant sexual cues. Now that's what I call Taiwanese consciousness.

  Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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