These days, you can tell a true Taiwan sophisticate by whether or not they have received an invitation from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) to visit China.
Everyone is excited about the fact that Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Chairman Lien Chan (
For instance, when I am invited to Beijing to have a tete-a-tete with Chinese President Hu Jintao (胡錦濤), I can be relied upon to sign a "10-point agreement" that will absolutely be to the advantage of the people of Taiwan.
Apparently, Lien and Soong have received personal invitations from the CCP to travel to Beijing and meet with Hu. Although I have not yet received such an invitation, it is clear that this is merely an administrative oversight by our good friends in Zhongnanhai, and that my invitation will be forthcoming shortly.
Now, understandably, I am not nearly as influential as either of the two opposition leaders. However, I would like to point out that regardless of the importance of the agreements that Lien or Soong may sign in China, these two individuals can hardly compete with me in terms of the concessions they are willing to make in the interest of cross-strait peace.
Should I be called upon -- or rather, when I am called upon -- to sign an agreement with Beijing, I would like to state categorically that I will defend and promote the interests of Taiwan at every opportunity.
For example, when I meet with Hu -- or "JT-Baby," as I like to call him -- I will guarantee that:
First, it will be illegal for certain individuals to talk about Taiwan's independence. Specifically, all taxi drivers shall be required to stop talking about independence. In fact, I shall make it mandatory for taxi drivers to stop talking about politics altogether.
Let me go further. As a demonstration of Taiwan's goodwill, it will be illegal for taxi drivers to speak entirely, except to acknowledge direct questions about their passengers' destination.
Second, I am willing to concede to the authorities in Beijing the right to use "non-peaceful means" against any individual or group who disobeys traffic laws in Taiwan. Especially taxi drivers. This can include the employment of the Second Artillery Corps' missiles to enforce the agreement, if necessary.
Third, to protect the interests of Taiwanese businesspeople with investments in China, I will guarantee a healthy tax exemption to all businesspeople who contribute to a special "Cross-Strait Peace Promotion Fund" which, for the sake of administrative clarity, will be established in my name. Thirty percent of all funds remitted to this account will be given to the appropriate CCP officials to ensure smooth sailing for Taiwanese businesspeople.
Fourth, a special cross-strait exchange foundation will be established which will allow single, attractive 18-to-30-year-olds to travel from Taiwan to China or vice versa for one-on-one negotiations with a select group of individuals, to be determined by the signatories of this agreement.
Fifth, Chinese officials will no longer refer to their Taiwanese counterparts as "Taiwan splittists" or "Taiwan authorities," but rather as "Taiwan's leaders" or "Taiwan's leadership." To reciprocate this change, Taiwanese will no longer refer to their counterparts as "Communist bandits" or "bloodsucking authoritarian bastards."
Sixth, direct cross-strait cargo flights shall be allowed without restriction, so long as each carrier contributes NT$3 million to the aforementioned "Cross-Strait Peace Promotion" Fund.
Seventh, direct cross-strait passenger flights shall be allowed in the interests of serving Article 4 of this declaration.
Eighth, Taiwanese companies shall be permitted to build as many factories and make as many investments in China as they see fit, so long as 100 percent of their profits shall be remitted to Taiwan. Chinese companies shall also be permitted to remit 100 percent of their profits to Taiwan.
Ninth, all Chinese officials shall be allowed to travel to Taiwan at will, so long as their criminal history is deemed satisfactory by law enforcement authorities. To reciprocate, all Taiwanese officials may travel to China at their will, so long as their psychological histories are deemed satisfactory by mental health authorities.
Tenth, in keeping with its moves towards establishing a free-market economy, China shall abolish its "one China" principle and adopt a "one market" principle. For its part, Taiwan will throw aside former president Lee Teng-hui's (
Clearly, non-official diplomacy has its utility, and the people of Taiwan deserve a chance to let their voice be heard. Therefore, let the government cast aside its reservations and open its arms to the opportunity it now has before it. Let me sign a 10-point agreement.
Mac William Bishop is a journalist based in Taipei. Comments may be directed to mwbtaiwan@hotmail.com.
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